A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves. The husband says: “No chance love, they’re way too expensive.”

Later on in bed, the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says. “I don’t think so mate. If you’re not prepared to shoe the horse then you sure as hell aren’t riding it.”

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,''

I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

"What's the f*cking difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..' Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?' The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

Some of you, like me, may have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Roseland Golf Course and had a few too many beers and a few shots. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but, as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not even sure where I got it.

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips..

He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears.

With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'